Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Randomize
