I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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