Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
May 25th. Drunk Laser Tag party to celebrate our bdays. May 26th. Mushrooms at Chattanooga Aquarium. Damn
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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