I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Randomize
