You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
