Jerry, you need to find god
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
