I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
Sacagawea was the original milf.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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