____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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