It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
