I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Randomize
