She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
