loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Randomize
