You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Houston, we have a blender
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
