i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
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