Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
