Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Randomize
