just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
Randomize
