And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
