I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
