if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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