I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
She bit a glass in half.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
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