You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
