I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I think the pivotal moment was when we used the see and say as a drinking game with shots of whiskey. It was all downhill after that.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
