So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
