why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
