she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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