i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Randomize
