I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
