Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
Randomize
