I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
