the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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