CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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