Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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