If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
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