Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
40s are totally the cure
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
