I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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