So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
