the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
