i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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