if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
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