I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
