I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
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