By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
