Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.
and I must say, you were very persuasive
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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