So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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