Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
