It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I wonder what dick looks like without astigmatism?
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
