I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I'm passing your future prison.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I party with great urgency now.
I just googled "how to blow an uncircumcised guy" and did serious research. That's how badly I want to fuck him.
You misuse your internet privileges.
Randomize
