All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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