listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
