; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
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