i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
