i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
