Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
