Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
