just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
