Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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