I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
