ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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