you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
