He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
a queef is a wish your heart makes.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
