You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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