My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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