Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
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