When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
